Debra Roberts, LCSW, an interpersonal communication and relationship expert and author, says that an extreme of an unhealthy relationship is a toxic one. We often toss the word around casually, but what truly qualifies an interpersonal relationship or dynamic as “toxic”? Bottom line: It usually involves chronic disrespect and a lack of emotional safety for one or both parties.
Is My Relationship Toxic?
It boils down to this: How do you feel around your partner? Do you feel that your partner is adding drama to your life? Are they twisting your words and being argumentative? Lillian Glass, Ph.D., communication and body language expert, defines a toxic person as anyone who makes you feel uneasy in their presence or bad about yourself. Glass claims to have first coined the term “toxic people” in her book Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable. Toxicity is subjective, and it’s not a one-size-fits-all situation. “We’re all toxic to some degree, to somebody,” Glass says. Some people find narcissists unbearable, for example, while others find them amusing. Toxicity can also exist on a spectrum and vary by degrees. But it’s important to understand what you want and need from your partner if you want a sustainable relationship. Toxic relationships are lousy and subtractive with feelings of inconsistency and instability, and they can manifest in myriad ways. Here’s an overview of common, telltale toxic relationship signs—and that it might be time to either address the situation head-on or cut ties completely.
Toxic Relationship Signs
Glass urges people to pay attention to how their partner reacts when confronted with an issue. Do they listen, apologize, and try to do better? Or do they get angry, turn it around on you, and make it worse? RELATED: 7 Meaningful Questions That Deepen Relationship Intimacy, According to Therapists “This is stressful, exhausting, and isolating,” she says, “These are big words and aren’t easy feelings to deal with.” This can also make you and your partner very hostile toward one another. You may start speaking to each other in sarcastic, short ways with the mentality of I’m making you feel bad because you make me feel bad. RELATED: 5 Conversations You Need to Have Before You Get Married If the answer is yes, start by fully recognizing that, and then show yourself some kindness. “If people are motivated to change, capable of change, and willing to show up to do the work, then a good therapist can help them learn healthier behaviors and ways of communicating,” Roberts says. If you do decide you want to work to make your relationship healthier and less toxic, it is possible. But always remember that you can only control yourself. If your partner is unable to change or unwilling to put in the work, it’s not always in your best interest to stay.
